If you are in danger right now, call your local emergency number: 911 in the United States and Canada, 999 in the United Kingdom, 112 in Ireland and the European Union, 000 in Australia. Helplines for each country are listed at the end of this article. If you think someone checks your phone or computer, read this on a device they cannot access.

Every relationship has difficult moments: arguments, bouts of jealousy, misunderstandings, periods of distance. Most of them are not red flags. A red flag is a behavior that threatens your safety, your freedom or your sense of who you are, especially when it keeps coming back. This guide explains how to tell the difference, describes the warning signs most often reported by researchers and support services, and lists where to find help.

Red flag or ordinary conflict?

In a healthy relationship, both partners can disagree, say no and see other people without being afraid of what will happen next. Arguments can be painful, but they end, and the couple finds a way to repair. Research by John Gottman shows that even stable, happy couples argue regularly; what matters is how they do it. Our guide to improving communication covers that side of things.

A red flag is different in nature. It points to one partner gaining power over the other through fear, control, humiliation or isolation. A useful question to ask yourself is: do I feel free to disagree, to see my friends or to refuse something, without fearing the consequences?

The pattern matters more than any single incident. Many abusive relationships include little or no physical violence; what defines them is a series of behaviors that, taken together, restrict the other person's life. Specialists call this "coercive control". In England and Wales, controlling or coercive behavior in an intimate or family relationship has been a criminal offense since 2015.

These situations are not rare. According to the World Health Organization, about one in four women aged 15 to 49 who have been in a relationship has experienced physical or sexual violence from a partner. In the United States, the CDC estimates that more than one in three women and more than one in six men have experienced sexual violence, physical violence or stalking by a partner during their lifetime. Abuse can happen to anyone, at any age, in any kind of relationship.

The warning signs

1. Control over your daily life

Your partner tells you what to wear, where you can go and who you can see. They check your phone, ask for your passwords or track your location. They may also control money: taking your pay, preventing you from working or studying, making you justify every expense. Control often starts small and is presented as care ("I just worry about you"), which makes it hard to recognize.

2. Isolation from friends and family

Your partner criticizes the people close to you, sulks or makes a scene every time you see them, or makes visits so complicated that you end up giving up. Little by little, you see fewer people. Isolation is a warning sign in itself, because it removes the outside perspectives and support that would help you see the situation clearly.

3. Jealousy that turns into surveillance

A twinge of jealousy is human. Constant accusations, interrogations about where you were, demands for proof, anger when you talk to someone else, or checking up on you are something else. Intense jealousy is often presented as proof of love. It is not: it is a way of restricting your freedom.

4. Contempt, humiliation and constant criticism

Mockery, insults, put-downs in front of others, "jokes" at your expense, eye-rolling whenever you speak. Gottman's research identifies contempt as the strongest predictor of divorce, even in couples without abuse. When it becomes a daily habit, it slowly wears down self-esteem, to the point where you start to believe the criticism.

5. Making you doubt your own memory

Your partner denies things that happened, rewrites events, or tells you that you are "too sensitive" or "imagining things" whenever you raise a problem. This is often called gaslighting, after the 1944 film Gaslight. Sociologist Paige Sweet describes it as a form of psychological abuse that aims to make victims seem or feel "crazy", and shows that it often relies on stereotypes, such as the cliché of the irrational woman, and on the vulnerabilities of the person targeted. Some people find it helps to write down what happens, with dates, somewhere their partner cannot access.

6. Explosive anger and intimidation

Shouting, slamming doors, throwing or breaking things, punching walls, driving dangerously to scare you, blocking a doorway. Even without a single blow, these behaviors are meant to make you afraid. If you find yourself constantly "walking on eggshells" to avoid the next outburst, take that feeling seriously.

7. Pressure around sex

Insisting after you have said no, sulking or punishing you for refusing, making you feel guilty, treating sex as something you owe, or refusing to use protection you asked for. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, including in a long relationship or a marriage. Forced sex within a couple is sexual violence.

8. Threats

Threats to hurt you, your children or your pets, to take the children away, to share intimate photos or secrets, or to harm themselves if you leave. If your partner threatens to take their own life, take the threat seriously and contact emergency services. At the same time, you are not responsible for their choices, and staying in a relationship that frightens you cannot be the price of their safety.

9. Never taking responsibility

Everything is always someone else's fault, usually yours. Apologies, when they come, are followed by the same behavior; promises that "it will never happen again" do not last. A partner who never accepts their share of a problem leaves no room for things to change.

Signs of immediate danger

Some situations call for help without waiting:

  • Any physical violence, including pushing, slapping, restraining you or preventing you from leaving.
  • Strangulation or choking, even once, even without visible marks. In a study by Nancy Glass and colleagues, abused women who had previously been strangled by their partner had more than seven times the odds of later being killed by that partner.
  • Threats with a weapon, or a partner who has access to a gun. In a study led by Jacquelyn Campbell in eleven US cities, these were among the factors most strongly associated with the risk of being killed by a partner, along with separation from a controlling partner, stalking, forced sex and abuse during pregnancy.
  • A period of separation. Risk can increase when you leave or announce that you are leaving. This is not a reason to stay, but a reason to plan your departure with a specialized service.

These two studies concern women killed by their partner, but the warning signs they identify are worth taking seriously whatever your situation.

If you arrived here after one of our quizzes

A quiz score reflects how you see certain aspects of your relationship. It cannot detect abuse: a low score does not mean that your relationship is abusive, and a high score does not rule it out. What matters are the behaviors described above, and how you feel day to day: safe and free, or afraid and watched. If you simply want to understand what a healthy, loving relationship looks like, our article on the signs that your partner truly loves you describes them.

What you can do

Trust what you feel. If you are often afraid, if you check your words before speaking, if you no longer recognize yourself, that is information, not an overreaction.

Talk to someone you trust: a friend, a relative, a doctor. Saying it out loud often makes the situation clearer.

Contact a specialized service. Helplines are free and confidential, and they will not push you to do anything you are not ready for. They can help you think through a safety plan (where you could go, which documents to keep at hand, how to protect your children) even if you have no intention of leaving for now.

Be careful with couples therapy. It can help couples in conflict, but many support services advise against it when there is violence or coercive control, because what you say in a session can be used against you afterwards. Individual support is usually a safer first step.

If you are worried about a friend, listen without judging, believe what they tell you, avoid pressuring them to leave, and share the resources below. Leaving an abusive relationship often takes time, and staying in contact is one of the most useful things you can do.

If you recognize yourself in these behaviors, that recognition is an important first step. The services below can also direct you to programs for people who want to change the way they behave in their relationships.

Where to find help

  • Emergencies: 911 (United States, Canada), 999 (United Kingdom), 112 (Ireland and the European Union), 000 (Australia).
  • United States: National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Free, confidential, 24/7.
  • United Kingdom: National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, 0808 2000 247, free, 24 hours a day. Men's Advice Line, run by Respect, 0808 8010 327, Monday to Friday, 10am to 5pm.
  • Canada: provincial and territorial helplines listed by Women's Shelters Canada on ShelterSafe.ca. In Quebec, SOS violence conjugale, 1-800-363-9010, 24/7.
  • Australia: 1800RESPECT, 1800 737 732, or text 0458 737 732. Free, confidential, 24/7.
  • Ireland: Women's Aid National Freephone Helpline, 1800 341 900, 24/7.

Elsewhere, your local emergency services can direct you to support near you.

Frequently asked questions

Is jealousy a red flag?

Occasional jealousy, talked about openly, is part of many relationships. It becomes a red flag when it leads to accusations, surveillance, restrictions on who you can see, or anger you are afraid of.

Can an abusive partner change?

Some people do change, but it requires them to fully acknowledge the harm, to stop blaming others, and usually to follow a specialized program over a long period. Promises and apologies alone are not change. Your safety should not depend on waiting for it.

Why is it so hard to leave?

Fear, love, financial dependence, children, isolation, shame, threats, or the hope that things will return to the way they were at the beginning: the reasons are many, and none of them is a weakness. Leaving can also be the most dangerous moment, which is why planning it with a specialized service matters.

Is it abuse if there is no physical violence?

It can be. Control, constant humiliation, threats, economic control and isolation are recognized forms of abuse. Some jurisdictions, such as England and Wales, now treat coercive control as a criminal offense.

Sources

  • World Health Organization. Violence against women. Fact sheet.
  • Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. About intimate partner violence.
  • Serious Crime Act 2015, section 76: Controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship.
  • Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.
  • Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishers.
  • Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843
  • Glass, N., Laughon, K., Campbell, J., Block, C. R., Hanson, G., Sharps, P. W., & Taliaferro, E. (2008). Non-fatal strangulation is an important risk factor for homicide of women. Journal of Emergency Medicine, 35(3), 329-335. doi:10.1016/j.jemermed.2007.02.065
  • Campbell, J. C., Webster, D., Koziol-McLain, J., Block, C., Campbell, D., Curry, M. A., Gary, F., Glass, N., McFarlane, J., Sachs, C., Sharps, P., Ulrich, Y., Wilt, S. A., Manganello, J., Xu, X., Schollenberger, J., Frye, V., & Laughon, K. (2003). Risk factors for femicide in abusive relationships: Results from a multisite case control study. American Journal of Public Health, 93(7), 1089-1097. doi:10.2105/AJPH.93.7.1089