At the start of a relationship, everything seems effortless: you think about each other all day, every conversation feels new, and time together never feels like enough. A few years later, between work, chores and perhaps children, the same couple can find themselves talking mostly about schedules. Many people conclude that the spark has simply gone out, and that this is the price of a long relationship.

Research tells a more encouraging story. The intensity of the early months does change, but romantic love does not have to disappear, and some of the things that keep it alive are surprisingly simple. This guide explains what happens to passion over time and seven habits that help couples keep it.

Does the spark always fade?

Partly, yes. Relationship satisfaction often declines after the honeymoon period. In a study that followed 218 couples over the first eight years of marriage, Brian Doss and colleagues observed a gradual decline in relationship quality even among couples who had no children, and a sharper drop after the birth of a first child, about the same size for mothers and fathers.

But a decline in average satisfaction does not mean that passion is doomed. In a review of the research, Bianca Acevedo and Arthur Aron concluded that romantic love, with intensity, engagement and sexual interest, can and does exist in long-term marriages. What tends to disappear is the obsessive component of new love: the constant worry, the need for reassurance. In their meta-analysis of 25 studies, romantic love without obsession was strongly associated with satisfaction in long and short relationships alike.

How common is lasting passion? In a random sample of 274 married people in the United States, K. Daniel O'Leary and colleagues found that 40% of those married for more than ten years said they were "very intensely in love". The people who reported this intense love had a few things in common: they thought positively about their partner, thought about them when apart, were affectionate, had an active sex life, shared novel and challenging activities, and were generally happy with their lives.

Those findings point to what you can actually do.

1. Do new things together

Psychologist Arthur Aron's "self-expansion" model starts from a simple observation: falling in love feels exciting partly because the other person opens up new worlds, new ideas, new experiences. Once you know each other well, that expansion slows down, and boredom can set in.

The remedy is novelty you share. In an experiment by Charlotte Reissman, Arthur Aron and Merlynn Bergen, 53 married couples spent an hour and a half each week, for ten weeks, on activities they had chosen. Couples assigned to "exciting" activities ended up more satisfied with their marriage than couples assigned to merely "pleasant" ones. In later laboratory studies, Aron and his colleagues found that just seven minutes spent on a novel, slightly challenging task together increased how partners felt about their relationship, compared with a mundane task.

Novelty does not have to be expensive. A hike you have never done, a cooking class, a new sport, a city you do not know, a project you take on as a team: what matters is that it is new to both of you and asks a little effort.

2. Stay curious about each other

People change over the years. Their worries, ambitions and tastes evolve, and a partner you think you know by heart may have moved on in ways you have not noticed. John Gottman calls the detailed knowledge partners have of each other's inner world "love maps", and he stresses that these maps need regular updating.

Ask real questions, the kind that cannot be answered with "fine": what are you looking forward to this month? What has been on your mind lately? Is there something you would like to try that we have never done? Curiosity is a form of attention, and attention is a form of desire.

3. Protect time for the two of you

Busy couples rarely lose their connection in a single day. It thins out because time together becomes the last item on the list. Protecting a few rituals helps: a coffee together before the day starts, ten minutes to talk after work without screens, a regular evening or weekend morning that belongs to the two of you.

These rituals do not need to be romantic to work. Their value lies in their regularity: they remind both partners, week after week, that the relationship is a priority and not just what is left once everything else is done.

4. Celebrate each other's good news

The way you react when your partner shares something good matters a great deal. Shelly Gable and her colleagues found that people whose partners usually respond to good news with active, enthusiastic interest describe more satisfying and more intimate relationships. In a long relationship, it is easy to slip into a distracted "that's nice". Asking questions, sharing the excitement and remembering to come back to it later keeps alive the feeling of being on the same team.

This is one of the clearest signs that your partner truly loves you, and one of the easiest to give back.

5. Keep fondness and admiration alive

Gottman considers fondness and admiration one of the foundations of lasting couples. Over time, it is tempting to notice mostly what annoys you about your partner: the late arrivals, the clutter, the habits you once found charming. Deliberately paying attention to what you appreciate, and saying it out loud, counters that drift.

Be specific: "I loved the way you handled that call with your sister" says more than a general "you're great". Small, regular expressions of appreciation count more than a rare grand speech. Our guide to building trust and intimacy explains why this kind of everyday gratitude brings partners closer.

6. Take care of affection and desire

Physical closeness covers much more than sex: hugs, a hand held while walking, sitting close on the couch. These gestures keep a sense of closeness alive even in busy periods, and they often make sexual desire easier to come back to.

As for sex itself, there is no norm to reach. In three studies involving more than 30,000 people, Amy Muise, Ulrich Schimmack and Emily Impett found that well-being rose with sexual frequency up to about once a week, beyond which more sex was no longer associated with greater well-being. In other words, couples do not need to chase an ideal number. What matters more is that both partners feel free to talk about what they want, including when their desires differ, which is very common.

7. Keep a life of your own

It may sound paradoxical, but closeness alone does not always feed desire. Couples therapist Esther Perel argues in Mating in Captivity that desire needs a little distance: we are often most attracted to our partner when we see them absorbed in something they love, confident, admired by others, and not only in the familiar role of co-parent or roommate.

Keeping your own friendships, interests and projects is therefore not a threat to the relationship. In O'Leary's study, having passions outside the relationship was linked to more intense love, at least among women. Bring back what you discover on your own, and you give your partner new reasons to be curious about you.

When you feel more like roommates

Every long relationship goes through flatter periods: a new baby, a demanding job, an illness, a move. Recognizing that these phases are common can take some of the pressure off. The important thing is not to let the distance settle in without talking about it.

Start with a calm conversation about what you miss rather than what your partner does wrong ("I miss the evenings when we used to go out" works better than "we never do anything anymore"). Our guide to improving communication offers ways to raise the subject without starting an argument.

Paying deliberate attention to the relationship can make a real difference. In a study by Ronald Rogge and colleagues, 174 engaged and newlywed couples were assigned to different programs. Three years later, 24% of the couples who had received nothing had separated, compared with 11% of those who had taken part in one of the programs, including a single session focused simply on reflecting on their own relationship. If the distance persists despite your efforts, a couples therapist, or a sex therapist when desire is the main issue, can help you find each other again.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal for the spark to fade?

Yes. The intensity and obsession of the first months naturally calm down, and satisfaction often dips during demanding periods. That does not mean love has gone. Many couples find a deeper, calmer form of passion, especially when they keep sharing new experiences.

Can you fall back in love with your partner?

Often, yes. Feelings follow behavior more than we think: spending quality time together again, rediscovering each other through new activities and expressing appreciation can rekindle feelings that seemed to have faded. If resentment has built up, it may need to be addressed first, sometimes with a therapist.

Does having children kill the spark?

Children do not condemn a couple, but the arrival of a first child is often followed by a drop in relationship satisfaction, which research has documented in both parents. Knowing this helps couples anticipate it: protecting a little time for the two of you and sharing the workload fairly make a difference.

How often should couples have sex?

There is no right answer. Research suggests that well-being no longer increases beyond about once a week, but every couple is different. What matters is that both partners are comfortable with their sex life and can talk about it.

Sources

  • Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601-619. doi:10.1037/a0013969
  • Acevedo, B. P., & Aron, A. (2009). Does a long-term relationship kill romantic love? Review of General Psychology, 13(1), 59-65. doi:10.1037/a0014226
  • O'Leary, K. D., Acevedo, B. P., Aron, A., Huddy, L., & Mashek, D. (2012). Is long-term love more than a rare phenomenon? If so, what are its correlates? Social Psychological and Personality Science, 3(2), 241-249. doi:10.1177/1948550611417015
  • Reissman, C., Aron, A., & Bergen, M. R. (1993). Shared activities and marital satisfaction: Causal direction and self-expansion versus boredom. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10(2), 243-254. doi:10.1177/026540759301000205
  • Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273-284. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.273
  • Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishers.
  • Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228-245. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.87.2.228
  • Muise, A., Schimmack, U., & Impett, E. A. (2016). Sexual frequency predicts greater well-being, but more is not always better. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(4), 295-302. doi:10.1177/1948550615616462
  • Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic. HarperCollins.
  • Rogge, R. D., Cobb, R. J., Lawrence, E., Johnson, M. D., & Bradbury, T. N. (2013). Is skills training necessary for the primary prevention of marital distress and dissolution? A 3-year experimental study of three interventions. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 81(6), 949-961. doi:10.1037/a0034209